Puzzled

There's a movie called Catch and Release that I keep watching over and over, and I don't know why. It’s a movie about friends living together in this hippie house like we did in Moscow. The main character's fiancé dies, and she and his friends try to get over it. They break down and get angry; they laugh, and fish, and paint the rooms. They somehow get on with life. And there's this great music clear through it.
What if I could wish you away? What if you were gone by morning? And Mr. Neil Young sings, nothing is as it seems.
Megan said, "We told you to 'let it go; just let it go, Mom.' That was like telling you to cut off your arm or leg."
How did she know that?
It was more like cutting off both legs with my own knife and watching them bleed, waiting to heal without bothering to stop the bleeding--yet he was a blessing.
But he wasn’t who I thought he was, and I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I have known so many men better than he was. Did I suddenly need safety so much in my life that I sold my “birthright”?
Some days I can't get up because the sun is too bright; some days I can't because there's no sun at all.
But the problem is I do keep breathing--and that's a huge problem.
I am puzzled.