Choice

And yet, we keep breathing. I remember that being a curse in my own life; waking up after dark nights and a thickness in my whole being that weighed me down to where lifting my head up seemed too painful. So much self-loathing rolling empty inside of me. My soul raw and open, an almost animalistic need for the abscence of pain-- anything to numb those sharp edges...

And yet, we keep breathing. Is that our curse or our great blessing?
Let's choose, beautiful mother of mine...

Let it be our blessing. Haven't we found yet, that it is better to be grateful for our handfuls of light (though I dream of more than just handfuls someday) than to continue to hate our own selves? Why not shake our own hands and comend ourselves for not giving up the fight? Instead, why not love ourselvses?

Because who's going to if not us? One of the many great wisdoms that you have built inside of me is to always rely on my inner strength, my Morgan blood. You did NOT give away your birthright... that lives in you, in your blood, your muscles, your mind, and especially your heart. No "man" can take that from you, Mom. And you can't give it away for very long, either. Because you find out that you can't betray yourself for very long without having to change something... And you are no longer betraying yourself in a marraige that had you chained.

Like in that Alanis Morisette song... "Staying with you meant deserting me..." Remember?

I will never tell you to "just let it go" again. That's crazy and ridiculous. Our pain becomes a part of us, just like our joy -- but both are very real and very much wrapped around our very being.

But I will tell you to be grateful for your very breath, Mom. And I will remind you to let yourself laugh today. I'll remind you to stand by your river, with your head back, arms stretched up toward the sky, and allow yourself to inhale that deep smell of the wet grass and trees all around you. And I'll remind you to DANCE, with your soft chinese shawls around your shoulders, spinning in circles like I used to do when I was a little girl.

And I will ALWAYS remind you that I LOVE YOU... So much it's like a seperate piece of me that I can pull from inside me, that gives me comfort and strength and most of all, courage.

I love you, Mom. Let's make friends with our breathing.